A Slow Drink of Whiskey

A Dreamlike State of Things

2011-12-10T10:11:00.000-08:00

Teaching English abroad is looking better and better every day. I keep fantasizing about moving to Spain or Portugal and finding a nice, cheap apartment and writing. I even like the idea of living in the countryside. When I'm away from Philly and south Jersey I feel like this fantasy is possible. There is a coffeetable book at the bed and breakfast where Ed and I are staying and it's titled something like "World Heritage Sites", although it seems to mainly just list cities and sites in Europe. Various places in eastern Europe and Russia look beautiful, as does Lisbon, Portugal and Cairo, Egypt. I feel lazy here and daydream about traveling when I've already traveled to get here to dc. I have no desire anymore to take the metro to see the National Tree all lit up. It's nice to just relax and write, although breakfast was not enjoyable or relaxing (cereal, pastries, and bread, no cooked food and our room regularly costs $185 per night!). One of the employees kept introducing guests to one another and getting people's names wrong and she started talking trash talk on the occupy movement when two of the guests have a daughter that works for a nonprofit that collaborates with international human rights activists.

We went to a birthday party last night...and left after two hours. The host asked us to go out and get plates, cups, and bowls. We went on a quest to find these things (in the hood) and returned 20-30 minutes later only to find that the roommate already had all of these things hidden away in the kitchen. Then the host looked annoyed at us for not being social enough when he didn't introduce us to anyone and I only recognized two people there. There was not enough food and the space was very tight so that people constantly had to get up and move because they were in other people's way. Enough said.

We're going to meet up with Evelyn today at a Lebanese restaurant. We went to an Afghan restaurant yesterday, which was pretty good but I should not have had the wine with the food. Very bad combination that gave me stomach pains.
.....
Had a lovely visit with Evelyn at a Lebanese restaurant. The Afghan Grill last night had better food. We will see Evelyn again later tonight.

Damned If You Do

2011-12-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure which is better getting paid next to nothing for something I love or getting paid loads for something I hate. It seems like it's all a trick, that you get cheated either way. Love your work but be stressed out about paying bills or hate your work and keep the house.

How does anyone get rich? They say it's by taking risks. But it seems like a risky business either way. Do what you love and land yourself in the poor house. Do what irks your soul to the core and keep the bill collection agencies at bay. Deep inside I feel like the only people getting rich are the ones writing the books that pull you in either direction.

Rosetta Stone and Career Ruminations

2011-12-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

It took me over an hour to download the software, but I finally have Rosetta Stone. I guess I'll start with level 1, even though I'm probably somewhere between levels 2 and 3, just to see what's on it.

I looked up the deadline for application to the MA program in Translation Studies at Rutgers and it turns out it's January 3rd. I'm not sure I could get everything together by then. I think I could get the essays in Spanish and English done, but I'm not sure who to ask for recommendations or if I could get them in time to apply. I had been thinking that maybe I could get a recommendation from the administration at my school, but I'm not sure that the timing's good on that.

It will take me awhile to get through all five of the Rosetta Stone discs so maybe I should just start with that and then apply for the MA next year.

Today there was a PFT meeting and we found out that another $50,000 will be cut from the operating budget of the school. So, they're either going to lay off a secretary and send one or two part time teachers to another school (or they will get cut, I'm not sure). We will not have any supplies next year, which seems no different from this year. I'm told it will be even more "bare bones" at the school. It sounds like it will be a good time to leave come June.

I still want to work at a non-profit organization or even a government job (although those are getting increasingly cut it seems). I care about the environment, animals, writing, human rights...but I'm not sure how to turn that into a job that I love. I'm not sure what skills, certifications, educational credentials, etc. that I need to successfully enter a career that I love, or what that career would be. I know that I do not want to work in education forever...or even beyond 1-3 years...and that's about it. I'd really love to leave the field at the end of this year, but I'm not sure with the recession that it's even a possibility. Probably not.

I know that what makes the most sense, financially, is to just stay at my job for the next 2-3 years, save money, and sell the house when the housing market improves. But, I get so stressed out by work and I know that I am not best suited to the job. I do not enjoy interacting with so many people (almost 900 a week) and I'm not very good at dealing with so many personalities. I much prefer office work or research that I can complete independently or if I have to interact with people, on an individual basis.

A Degree in Translation

2011-11-30T16:39:00.000-08:00

When I first got the idea to go back to school to study Spanish (after I had already graduated with a degree in English), I wanted to study Spanish/English translation. I realized shortly after beginning the program, that there was no way that I could graduate with a focus in translation within my limited two year time frame and I couldn't financially afford to stay longer. So, I switched to Spanish with a focus on linguistics figuring that through studying the structure of the Spanish language and learning about aspects of various dialects I would improve my understanding of written and spoken Spanish. But, I have always wished that I could have studied translation instead.

I keep coming back to the idea of getting an MA in Translation from Rutgers. I've always felt that a focus on translation would improve my level of fluency more than anything else by challenging me so much that it would force me to rapidly increase my knowledge of vocabulary and grammar. I'm not sure that anything will actually do that besides being forced to speak, read, and write it in everyday life in a natural setting like in Spain or a country in Latin America, but it remains how I feel in my gut.

Now, I have a job at a school where there are students of various levels of fluency in Spanish (speaking, reading, writing). Since the vast majority of the students are not at native fluency (especially with regards to writing and reading), they realize that learning a language is a process (unlike my coworkers who think that native-like fluency magically occurs after a month or less) and they recognize that there are things that they can learn from me (grammar, spelling, some vocabulary). So, they do not challenge my knowledge of Spanish. A few of them have parents that struggle with English language acquisition and various teachers have requested, in the hallway or at random points when they see me in the library, to provide them with interpretation services so that they may communicate with the parents of their students. I agree to do so only because 1.) I believe that the students will benefit, 2.) I know the language, and 3.) I can't think of any legitimate reason not to besides that I'm not getting paid for it.

The first time I interpreted for a teacher, I agreed to do so for one teacher and then four teachers showed up expecting me to interpret for all of them. I found that some of the discipline procedures that they wanted me to explain I could not communicate in Spanish because 1.) I'm not familiar with the discipline procedures for the school yet or what the school will actually carry out vs. what they claim that they will carry out and 2.) I just do not know some of the vocabulary in Spanish. Also, some of the actions that they wanted me to describe that their student did were 1.) very specific and I couldn't think of how to say them at the time and 2.) they did not pause for me to interpret (or even think of how to interpret them). The teachers seemed disappointed at my interpretation skills (when it was the first time I've even ever attempted to interpret for someone) and they came off as ungrateful and rude to me. The parent on the other hand was extremely appreciative and lovely.

Today, was the second time that I have interpreted and I had a much more positive experience. The mother of the student is Dominican and I understood almost everything that she said to me (except one sentence, which was directed at me rather than the other teacher and didn't really matter since I was only confused about whether she was talking about herself or her daughter and am pretty sure that I got the gist of it otherwise). I told the teacher to slow down and she gave me adequate enough pauses that I could interpret for her. None of the information that she wanted me to intepret was difficult or complicated in any way and neither was the information that the parent wanted me to interpret. It was a very pleasant experience. I was cordial to the parent and she was likewise very polite and lovely. She also thanked me for taking the time to be there and interpret for me. I felt appreciated and like I was actually helping someone. I was aiding in the communication process helping two people who would otherwise not be able to communicate with one another discuss a child's progress. It felt energizing. I felt like, maybe this is what I'm supposed to do with my life. I actually kind of looked forward to the next time that I would need to interpret for someone. But, I suppose that a key difference is that this time I was only intepreting for two people (three when I interpreted once for the student) as opposed to five (counting the parent and four teachers). I also made sure early on to tell the teacher to slow down and pause so that I could interpret what she was saying before I forgot what she had said and she actually adjusted herself and did so (unlike in the other meeting where the teachers spoke whole paragraphs or more of discourse at a time instead of pausing every other sentence).

Spanish and Figuring Out New Year's Resolutions

2011-11-28T17:31:00.000-08:00

I was looking at Rosetta Stone today (since thanks to Cyber Monday it was $100 off) and realized that I would probably fall somewhere between level 2 or 3 in their program. It seemed a little ridiculous given that I scored Advanced Low on the Oral Proficiency Exam and that's all you need to teach Spanish in NJ or PA. I felt a little sad. I mean, I've taken Spanish since I was in middle school (so that's something like 14 years). I know that I've learned most of what they list in levels 1-3, but I've forgotten a lot over the years. So, I bought levels 1-5, even though I felt slightly embarrassed about it. I feel like I shouldn't need to buy the program since I've had so much schooling, but honestly, unless I live in a country where Spanish is the main language spoken, I'll never speak anywhere close to a native.

One of my goals for the new year is to improve my speaking and reading ability in the language (and generally just improve my vocabulary and grammar). I figured Rosetta Stone might be a painless way to go about it. I'd like to at some point retake the Oral Proficiency Exam and score 1-2 levels above what I did the first time I took it (my life goal would be to score a Superior on the scale). When I took it in 2009, I had been taking a workshop at Rutgers specifically geared towards the test, been watching movies in Spanish, practicing my conversational skills with a friend over the phone, and I believe, I was reading stories in Spanish as well. Now, I practice speaking with my fiance's family although I don't even answer in complete sentences (I mostly just listen and nod my head, occasionally saying "si"). Still, I speak in Spanish everyday at work to my students. I learn new words everyday at work. I should, I suppose, keep a journal of these new words, but every time I do that it seems to be a useless and boring enterprise.

I also want to learn Portuguese within the next two years, since Ed and I plan on going to the World Cup in Brazil in 2014. It's something to look forward to, for sure. When we saw Turkey play the US in Philly last year it was amazing (not World Cup, but still pretty good; I imagine the World Cup would be even better!). I will, of course, have to save a lot of money for this trip.

Ed has switched his research interest to the moriscos. So, we might go to Spain at some point, which means I need to brush up on 'vosotros' and other grammar points. I also need to learn the Spanish (Spain specific) words for various things. I need to save money for that/those trip(s) as well.

In totally unrelated news, I've been watching House Hunters International and been thinking about how beautiful parts of Eastern Europe are. At some point, I'll have to travel around in that region. I've always wanted to go to Prague, but now I'm adding places like Warsaw and random places in the countryside of Slovenia.

A revolutionary idea

2011-11-26T11:08:00.001-08:00

I'm going to try and do some of the things that I posted earlier to distract myself and try to make my life fuller, myself happier, and my life generally more interesting to read about...starting with yoga.

Patterns

2011-11-26T09:05:00.000-08:00

There's an old Simon and Garfunkle song that says something like, "my life is full of patterns that can scarcely be controlled." I found an old xanga blog and of course this blog, and noticed a definite pattern: not being sure what I should do with my life and dissatisfaction with my current state of affairs. Overall a very whiny, depressed, complaining kind of attitude. I want to get away from that as much as possible. Ed has been saying for awhile now that I should start blogging to get the writing juices flowing (not his words, I'm paraphrasing). I think I need to do it purely for therapeautic value. I found an old entry in which I quoted a former English professor of mine saying that life is hardest in your 20s because of an unavoidable existential obsession. I agree.

It's a lot of the same old, same old in terms of a solution to this problem. What are the ways that I can distract myself from this seemingly pointless line of questioning? The same activities resurface: yoga (to feel more relaxed and less foggy, and either come through it all with breakthrough answers to the questions or simply not care about them any longer), find a hobby, write, observe nature/go camping, travel, study languages, read, reconnect with friends to feel happier and less isolated and realize that yes, everyone is going through the same crisis, volunteer to give back and to realize that I don't have it so bad, etc.

My dog lays snoring in the next room as I type this.

Snow in October?

2008-10-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

And what are the chances of classes being canceled? Slim to none.

Guess it really is time to bring the plants inside...

Burn-out and Dissatisfaction

2008-10-19T07:32:00.001-07:00

I've been reading this girl's blog online because she writes in an entertaining way about her life, which is very different from my own. I worked with this girl for a semester at the student newspaper about four years ago. I haven't really talked to her or hung out with her since then. She graduated a semester early like I did, but unlike me, she landed a high paying job immediately after college and owns a condo in Dupont Circle. She's two years younger than me and OWNS an apartment. Unlike me she waited to get pets until after she could afford the vet bills. She can afford to go shopping for new clothes. I can't even pay my rent or any other bill for that matter on time; I'm still waiting on my loan to come in. Yet with all the money she has and a live-in boyfriend she complains that her work isn't challenging enough and that her job somehow goes against her value system. She'd rather teach group fitness classes than consult.

I had heard about this kind of thing before I graduated from college, having friends or acquaintences who take whatever is the highest paying job that they can get after college and then feel unsatisfied. I have been in school for almost six years and will come out with two B.A.s feeling poor and burnt out. I still have no idea why I've gone to school for so long only to graduate without an advanced degree...well I mean I know that part of it was a professor discouraging me from applying to a creative writing program, and part of it was me not wanting an advanced English degree because I HATE theory, and of course I was too lazy to take the GREs. Still, I'm incredibly burnt out with a double time case of senoritis.

I had another professor who once told me that the first few years right after college graduation are the hardest, figuring out who your friends are or making new friends if you've moved, trying to figure out who you are and what you want, just generally feeling lonely..."It doesn't really get easier until you're in your 30s," she had said, but it was the "HARDEST around 23-25". Something to look forward to.

Feeling sick...

2008-10-07T10:48:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling kind of down and out because I've been sick all weekend. I have to turn in an essay in Spanish on Pan's Labyrinth and then right afterward I have to attend a meeting for the student committee. It's the first one of the year and it's stressing me out a little because even though I had asked for the food awhile ago nothing was ordered. Tonight I have to order sandwiches and salad and get them to the room before the meeting ends, which is a challenge because delivery guys tend to be completely confused by the campus setup.

I'm feeling bleh and incredibly jealous of an old friend of mine who seems to literally have it all but complains anyway. She has an incredibly well-paying job, owns a condo in DC in a very nice neighborhood, has time to exercise (which I do not), and can afford trips to California (while I cannot even pay my rent on time). Yet, she complains about not feeling challenged at her job and being "bored" at work.

Maybe, I just need to do more things for myself that I used to like doing. The issue is that here in NJ without a car, it is incredibly difficult. Cabs are expensive and there's no real system of public transportation in my town. Plus I don't have time. I'm carrying 15 credits this semester and working. Even with cutting down my work hours, doing both is still kicking my ass. I tend to get up 7 am and run around nonstop until 8 or 9 pm.

Maybe, if I just could find time to read books or go into NYC. But, I don't even have time to figure out what to do once I'm there...